Sometimes you need to step outside, get some air, and remind yourself of who you are and who you want to be.

Another New Chapter

I'm turning the page and leaving 2010 behind me. I have to ask myself, what have I learned and what would I highlight or scratch out if I were to turn back the pages in the future to that year? 2010 was a year full of discovering, rediscovering, doubting, falling, getting back up, hitting rock bottom again, but essentially learning and growing.

I used to think that the whole world fit inside of my arms and now I'm learning that in all actuality, i know so little about the world. I used to think that the only way to discover was to leave something behind, but I've realized now that all I was trying to leave behind was myself. I've learned that I will never be as young as I am today, and that is why I must embrace each new day with energy and determination, and most of all, intentionality.

I've learned that happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if only you remember to turn on the light. I've learned about boundaries, relationships, love, and what I thought was love but was really a creation of something or someone in my head. This year I want to broaden my worldview, love unconditionally, listen more and speak less, deal with my insecurities, and keep focused on the fact that the most important thing in life is my perception of how God sees me, not anyone else. I see now that this is the most important opinion and the second most important human opinion is mine. I have learned to make choices for myself and to realize that those choices affect more than just myself.

I have also learned that I haven't learned as much as I thought that that haven't found all the answers yet, and I never will. The one answer that I am confident of is that my God is faithful and he never doubts me even when I repeatedly fall and doubt him. This year I have learned that life is what you make of it and your decisions in this lifetime are all crucial because one decision can change your life little by little and before you know it, you are traveling down a path that apposes the one you worked so hard to reach…that narrow path which reaches to heaven that is not laced with the riches and attractions of this world.

I try to turn back the pages of time and try to recollect on that one decision that brought me to where I am now. I think and think; however, that one decision does not exist. Sin is not something that comes in one fell swoop. If it did, it would not be what it is, sneaky deception. We ask ourselves how a murderer would come to commit such a horrific deed. Such a thing begins with a smidgen of contempt for someone. This tiny flicker of contempt is not put out, thus, it flickers into a small flame of hate, and finally, through the course of events in ones lifetime, ignites into the desire to kill. This is a horrifying thought.

I have come to the recognition that a series of choices upon choices have brought me to where I am now. It is ironic to think that if I were to compare the me of today to the me of 2005, although my knowledge was slight and my understanding of this world minuet, I had more passion for life then, than what I have now. I also had less then. I believe that there is a correlation. The more we have, the more we get caught up in having, rather than being. I feel as though I live in a "have mentality", that urge and feigning for the next high (so to speak). I feel that in life, there should be a balance of opposites. I will never forget the quote I once heard by Leonard Sweet. He said, "Christians are bursting at the seams with rationality, decency, order, dignity, and predictability. What it needs is the holy intoxications of foolishness, humor, craziness, outrageousness, creative disorder, and lastly, passion."

I believe that I have a new passion for life now that I never had as a child. I have grown in my ability to understand people; however, I have lost a certain integrity that is a result of spiritual closeness with God. I have craziness, and outrageousness, while loosing decency and dignity. I believe that the term, "too much of a good thing" is true...with one exception. Christ calls us to ignite in a passion and love for him. This can never be too great, in fact, in every human being, it is too small. The larger the flame for God, the smaller the world will seem...in that, it will appear and with appearing, become more reachable. I believe that God molded me and planned for me to be on this earth for a reason. He has saved my life numerous times, and I know for certain he did not do this so that I could prance around my university with the intentions of receiving glances and praise for myself. He did not design for me to be here to make a few friends happy by doing things that have no significance in the kingdom of God. He put me hear to be uncomfortable.

I believe that I have finally realized why he allowed me to get diabetes. He put me here in this position, to test me; to give me something little, and see if I could use the means and compatibility to handle it. I have realized that God will not give me something larger, if I am not able to handle the things that I have now. I can make numerous goals; however, if I do not handle the things that God has placed on my plate now, how will he allow for me to try to achieve greater goals? I have come to realize that everything begins with a pinch of simplicity, a cup of perseverance, and a pile of passion. Jesus Christ gives Passion, so I must learn to strip myself of all my pettiness and rely on him. That is my goal for 2011.