Higher Than High

I'm higher than high. Calm down, I'm not a stoner. I just did something huge. I moved 1,000 miles away. How does it feel? I feel higher than high right now, and that's not just because I moved up north, it's because I'm experiencing just the beginnings of independence, gut, and the high you get when you take a big chance and you take that sigh of relief when you pull through and it feels right.  I don't know what the future holds, but I don't have to.  At this moment I'm perfectly content with getting up and running down Oakeland Drive and then when I come to the end, deciding on a whim whether I'll go right or left.  I don't know the area, I just run because I'm not there to explore, I'm there for me, my health, and my body.  The scenery is just the cherrie on top of the sundae.

Then I got to thinking... this is how life should be.  You do everything with the intent of doing the most with what you have, and then you enjoy the little extras as they come your way.  You appreciate beauty when you see it, you breath in the new air, and you take risks, but you do all these things while still persuing a goal. Always a goal...always a new life lesson, whether it's the career you want, the life you want, or the person you want to be.  I think sometimes we get so caught up in the scenery that we forget where we're going; however, if we persue something, the scenery will follow.  It may not be the scene you pictured yourself in, but in the end, sometimes something that starts as a dream or spark of imagination comes to life, and you paint an entirely new pictures, and it just looks great.  There I go, bringing art into again... can't help it, it's the artist in me!

How am I feeling? Higher than high. Why? Because I'm turning over a new chapter and it's not on January 1st, it's on November 14th and it's real life.  Am I sad to leave the people I care about 1000 miles away? Sure I am. Am I stimulated by new things, change, and adventure? Sure I am.  Can you have and experience both?  I'm proof that you can. I've learned that sometimes you can over think things. Sometimes you just have to go with your gut and not think about details, just let it happen. It's not about a new place getting you off, it's about growth and sometimes growth is setting aside your fears and not running away, but simply stepping into a new place and searching relentlessly for success and new opportunity. That starts tomorrow...I'm excited. Just kidding, I'm deliriously happy.

Today is a good day. Crisp fall air makes me happy. So does the feeling of waking up late and knowing that you have time to brew your coffee slowely rather than rushing out the door with a clock-in time ahead of you at work.  Weekends give you a sense of freedom.  A sense that you have control over your own life and no boss telling you what to do, no lunch breaks, no bedtimes, and most of all, the knowledge that you can catch up, even though you seldom do.

I'd like to believe that we'd be happier if weekends didn't end... but then I wonder if maybe they'd just slowly lose their beauty to us because it's the rareness of a thing that makes us crave it.  We love the things that are extraordinary to us because they are different, exciting, and fresh.  So how do we keep this feeling alive?  This weekend-lust?  Maybe if we woke up everyday and took nothing for granted, we'd change.  We'd change the way we treated people, the way we treated our jobs, and most importantly, the way we treated our lives.

Just like in photography where you have to stop and notice the beauty of something and set your focus to capture it, so is life.  Sure, troubles come, some weeks are worse than others, and sometimes you want things and they don't come to you, but maybe instead of wanting more, we should want the things that we have.  Instead of focusing on wanting less, want more of the now and less of the future.  Focus on the season that you are in and the beauty in it.  I like to pass through life quickly and do things fast, because I am impatient.  But what if I slowed down and watched the sunset instead of the speedometer going faster...enjoyed the phone conversation now instead of the hope for meeting in person later...because simplicity is beautiful and just like 3 days out of 7 being so anticipated, less is more.

My Favorite Things About Fall...

  The desire or need for coffee

Throwing on a sweater and running out the door

Wearing nude nail polish 

More smokey eyes, it just feels right

Wearing jackets that feel classy

Pumpkins and the childhood memories they offer

More fur....mmmmm yes!

My leather handbag... all I grab when I leave the house

Bonfires (their smell) and roasting marshmellows

Eating healthy... oops that's every season!

Eating pie with no regrets... a must!

La vita è bella

It's been months since I've written but life has a way of catching up with you and sometimes it takes a moment of unexpected change to make you walk slower and look around you. The best way for me to see is to write or paint, because seeing is believing and sometimes the only way to believe is to look at something over and over again and study it until it makes sense. Life isn't always supposed to make sense but neither does the way a rose blooms, yet it is intricate and breathtakingly beautiful. I've always been a fast pace kind of person who'd rather run the lake for exercise then walk it and enjoy the scenery. Maybe this is because I feed off of accomplishments, growth, and purpose...yet maybe it's time to take a step back, walk instead of run, enjoy the small things in life and be grateful and intentional about every moment. This past weekend taught me a lot about life. It taught me that things can change in a matter of seconds and it also taught me that almost anything can happen. Anything is outside of your control, but it doesn't have to mean you lose control of who you are and where you're supposed to go.

I used to know who I was supposed to be but now I know who I am, and it's me today. Me at this very moment...imperfect, cuddled up in bed with the TV on in the background, no makeup, no facade, no show, just me. Maybe instead of always trying to be who we are destined to be, we should just be who we are now...in this moment...in this beautiful life. Sure, I'd like to be more fit, more wealthy, more engaged in current affairs, and more organized... but who knows, maybe instead of always trying to be more I should try to be today. Maybe 100 today's = more than dreaming about tomorrow. Maybe we need more realists and less dreamers. Sure, dreaming is beautiful but if in reality, we don't see beauty, what happens when we're 50 and feeling worthless because our dreams never came true? Today is beautiful. Life is beautiful. Treasure it...take care of it. We are souls but we are given bodies, so take care of what you're given...dreaming of a cure for diabetes is beautiful, but dreams don't prick my finger 10 times a day and dreams don't count carbs or work out for you. It finally makes sense. So I'm going to bed, and today I'm going to use my senses more, smell more fall air, taste breakfast without dreaming about lunch, and see the beauty in everyone who crosses my path.

Sometimes you need to step outside, get some air, and remind yourself of who you are and who you want to be.

Another New Chapter

I'm turning the page and leaving 2010 behind me. I have to ask myself, what have I learned and what would I highlight or scratch out if I were to turn back the pages in the future to that year? 2010 was a year full of discovering, rediscovering, doubting, falling, getting back up, hitting rock bottom again, but essentially learning and growing.

I used to think that the whole world fit inside of my arms and now I'm learning that in all actuality, i know so little about the world. I used to think that the only way to discover was to leave something behind, but I've realized now that all I was trying to leave behind was myself. I've learned that I will never be as young as I am today, and that is why I must embrace each new day with energy and determination, and most of all, intentionality.

I've learned that happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if only you remember to turn on the light. I've learned about boundaries, relationships, love, and what I thought was love but was really a creation of something or someone in my head. This year I want to broaden my worldview, love unconditionally, listen more and speak less, deal with my insecurities, and keep focused on the fact that the most important thing in life is my perception of how God sees me, not anyone else. I see now that this is the most important opinion and the second most important human opinion is mine. I have learned to make choices for myself and to realize that those choices affect more than just myself.

I have also learned that I haven't learned as much as I thought that that haven't found all the answers yet, and I never will. The one answer that I am confident of is that my God is faithful and he never doubts me even when I repeatedly fall and doubt him. This year I have learned that life is what you make of it and your decisions in this lifetime are all crucial because one decision can change your life little by little and before you know it, you are traveling down a path that apposes the one you worked so hard to reach…that narrow path which reaches to heaven that is not laced with the riches and attractions of this world.

I try to turn back the pages of time and try to recollect on that one decision that brought me to where I am now. I think and think; however, that one decision does not exist. Sin is not something that comes in one fell swoop. If it did, it would not be what it is, sneaky deception. We ask ourselves how a murderer would come to commit such a horrific deed. Such a thing begins with a smidgen of contempt for someone. This tiny flicker of contempt is not put out, thus, it flickers into a small flame of hate, and finally, through the course of events in ones lifetime, ignites into the desire to kill. This is a horrifying thought.

I have come to the recognition that a series of choices upon choices have brought me to where I am now. It is ironic to think that if I were to compare the me of today to the me of 2005, although my knowledge was slight and my understanding of this world minuet, I had more passion for life then, than what I have now. I also had less then. I believe that there is a correlation. The more we have, the more we get caught up in having, rather than being. I feel as though I live in a "have mentality", that urge and feigning for the next high (so to speak). I feel that in life, there should be a balance of opposites. I will never forget the quote I once heard by Leonard Sweet. He said, "Christians are bursting at the seams with rationality, decency, order, dignity, and predictability. What it needs is the holy intoxications of foolishness, humor, craziness, outrageousness, creative disorder, and lastly, passion."

I believe that I have a new passion for life now that I never had as a child. I have grown in my ability to understand people; however, I have lost a certain integrity that is a result of spiritual closeness with God. I have craziness, and outrageousness, while loosing decency and dignity. I believe that the term, "too much of a good thing" is true...with one exception. Christ calls us to ignite in a passion and love for him. This can never be too great, in fact, in every human being, it is too small. The larger the flame for God, the smaller the world will seem...in that, it will appear and with appearing, become more reachable. I believe that God molded me and planned for me to be on this earth for a reason. He has saved my life numerous times, and I know for certain he did not do this so that I could prance around my university with the intentions of receiving glances and praise for myself. He did not design for me to be here to make a few friends happy by doing things that have no significance in the kingdom of God. He put me hear to be uncomfortable.

I believe that I have finally realized why he allowed me to get diabetes. He put me here in this position, to test me; to give me something little, and see if I could use the means and compatibility to handle it. I have realized that God will not give me something larger, if I am not able to handle the things that I have now. I can make numerous goals; however, if I do not handle the things that God has placed on my plate now, how will he allow for me to try to achieve greater goals? I have come to realize that everything begins with a pinch of simplicity, a cup of perseverance, and a pile of passion. Jesus Christ gives Passion, so I must learn to strip myself of all my pettiness and rely on him. That is my goal for 2011.