Sometimes you need to step outside, get some air, and remind yourself of who you are and who you want to be.

Another New Chapter

I'm turning the page and leaving 2010 behind me. I have to ask myself, what have I learned and what would I highlight or scratch out if I were to turn back the pages in the future to that year? 2010 was a year full of discovering, rediscovering, doubting, falling, getting back up, hitting rock bottom again, but essentially learning and growing.

I used to think that the whole world fit inside of my arms and now I'm learning that in all actuality, i know so little about the world. I used to think that the only way to discover was to leave something behind, but I've realized now that all I was trying to leave behind was myself. I've learned that I will never be as young as I am today, and that is why I must embrace each new day with energy and determination, and most of all, intentionality.

I've learned that happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if only you remember to turn on the light. I've learned about boundaries, relationships, love, and what I thought was love but was really a creation of something or someone in my head. This year I want to broaden my worldview, love unconditionally, listen more and speak less, deal with my insecurities, and keep focused on the fact that the most important thing in life is my perception of how God sees me, not anyone else. I see now that this is the most important opinion and the second most important human opinion is mine. I have learned to make choices for myself and to realize that those choices affect more than just myself.

I have also learned that I haven't learned as much as I thought that that haven't found all the answers yet, and I never will. The one answer that I am confident of is that my God is faithful and he never doubts me even when I repeatedly fall and doubt him. This year I have learned that life is what you make of it and your decisions in this lifetime are all crucial because one decision can change your life little by little and before you know it, you are traveling down a path that apposes the one you worked so hard to reach…that narrow path which reaches to heaven that is not laced with the riches and attractions of this world.

I try to turn back the pages of time and try to recollect on that one decision that brought me to where I am now. I think and think; however, that one decision does not exist. Sin is not something that comes in one fell swoop. If it did, it would not be what it is, sneaky deception. We ask ourselves how a murderer would come to commit such a horrific deed. Such a thing begins with a smidgen of contempt for someone. This tiny flicker of contempt is not put out, thus, it flickers into a small flame of hate, and finally, through the course of events in ones lifetime, ignites into the desire to kill. This is a horrifying thought.

I have come to the recognition that a series of choices upon choices have brought me to where I am now. It is ironic to think that if I were to compare the me of today to the me of 2005, although my knowledge was slight and my understanding of this world minuet, I had more passion for life then, than what I have now. I also had less then. I believe that there is a correlation. The more we have, the more we get caught up in having, rather than being. I feel as though I live in a "have mentality", that urge and feigning for the next high (so to speak). I feel that in life, there should be a balance of opposites. I will never forget the quote I once heard by Leonard Sweet. He said, "Christians are bursting at the seams with rationality, decency, order, dignity, and predictability. What it needs is the holy intoxications of foolishness, humor, craziness, outrageousness, creative disorder, and lastly, passion."

I believe that I have a new passion for life now that I never had as a child. I have grown in my ability to understand people; however, I have lost a certain integrity that is a result of spiritual closeness with God. I have craziness, and outrageousness, while loosing decency and dignity. I believe that the term, "too much of a good thing" is true...with one exception. Christ calls us to ignite in a passion and love for him. This can never be too great, in fact, in every human being, it is too small. The larger the flame for God, the smaller the world will seem...in that, it will appear and with appearing, become more reachable. I believe that God molded me and planned for me to be on this earth for a reason. He has saved my life numerous times, and I know for certain he did not do this so that I could prance around my university with the intentions of receiving glances and praise for myself. He did not design for me to be here to make a few friends happy by doing things that have no significance in the kingdom of God. He put me hear to be uncomfortable.

I believe that I have finally realized why he allowed me to get diabetes. He put me here in this position, to test me; to give me something little, and see if I could use the means and compatibility to handle it. I have realized that God will not give me something larger, if I am not able to handle the things that I have now. I can make numerous goals; however, if I do not handle the things that God has placed on my plate now, how will he allow for me to try to achieve greater goals? I have come to realize that everything begins with a pinch of simplicity, a cup of perseverance, and a pile of passion. Jesus Christ gives Passion, so I must learn to strip myself of all my pettiness and rely on him. That is my goal for 2011.

I've learned that God's plans and blessings are often wrapped and disguised in unlikely packages. We often pray for things and fail to realise that the answer is sitting right in front of us and all we need to do is die to self and surrender. It is in this that we can come to find

Life In Color

"You can't escape that there are hopes and passions inside you, waiting to come alive. You know there is so much more you have to offer, though you don't say it out loud." Much like the words that Erwin says in his book, Wideawake and much like the words in Metric's song, did they tell you, you should grow up, when you wanted to dream?... Sometimes we dream so big that we ourselves think we're crazy and sometimes we get discouraged because we feel like every idea that we come up with is just a mirror image or bounce off of someone elses...

I hate cliche sayings; but the saying, there is nothing new under the sun really springs to life when I picture all of the dreams that have become realities for so many people. These dreams are often just an upgrade of someone elses thoughts or a bringing to life of someone elses ideas. It is in coming to this place that I've realized that discouragement doesn't get us anywhere, nor does sitting in our rooms rearranging things and hoping that one day we'll rearrange our lives or present circumstances. Sometimes we think our lives are defined by problems that we haven't dealt with or overcome yet; however, each one of us has something beautiful to offer the world. The miracle is not in doing it, the miracle is seeing it so that we can see what God sees.

"Wouldn't it be wonderful if, when we saw a problem, we assumed we were to be part of the solution? Seeing a problem only lets you know where your limits are if you don't solve it. Problems, obstacles, and challanges can either become the markers of our limits and limitations, or they can become the springboard into a whole new world."

Sometimes in order to see and appreciate the good in life, we have to experience the bad and the ugly in order to see the contrast. Maybe in order to recognize a dream and a success, we have to experience a discouragement or a failure. We often think that pain leads to distruction of our souls, but I think we're wrong. I think that pain leads to need, need leads to seeking, and seeking leads to finding God and what he has for our lives. I like the "feel good mentality", I'm not gunna lie...I'd rather push things under the rug than deal with them because dealing with things is painful and scary. However, I know the process is worth while because it takes you from black and white to color. Seeing in color makes everything come alive, including your dreams, your loves, and your passions.

So my challenge today is to open my eyes and live life in color. It's never too late to be what you might have been or do what you have been called your whole life to accomplish...it's never too late to try something new, get out of your comfort zone, and truly live. It's never too late to dream and let those dreams come alive. It's never too late to stop being a victim of circumstances and start living the life that you were called to live.

Lense Craft

I used to want glasses, mainly so that I could fit in with everyone else in middle school and also because I wanted to pick a cool colored frame, yeah lame haha. I got to thinking today: half of the people in my class are wearing glasses right now, but all of us are seeing through "lenses". Why is it that we look at one another through colored lenses and judge each other based on our day? It's interesting how we have bad mood days, we tend to see people in a more negative light. Then there are those good days, when everyone is walking around with a halo.

The fact of the mater is, we define people based on our own perceptions of them. Not saying that in the words of Berry, "I control you, and you are under my power!" No, rather the way we see people is the way we treat them and if people are treated a certain way for so long, they develop the amazing social dynamic called the self-fulfilling prophecy. They eventually become the person they are percieved to be. It is insane to think that peoples behaviors actually write their own stories, utilizing their own expectations. Wow, expectations have power. Ok, so we subcontiously have expectations but contiously, what if we were to say "i'm going to counteract this problem and limit my expectations?" Just a thought...

I want to try to stop seeing people through lenses. I want to bust out of this role and limit my assessments...control my prohibitions. See the world through the eyes of Christ, as a beautiful work of art, just waiting to be looked upon by a viewer who sees the beauty and not the rough brush stroke; the entire image and not the scratch on the back of the portrait.